Category Archives: Rambling

Failure

Failing….? Am I failing?

What does it mean to fail? What am I failing at?

I don’t know!! I don’t even understand what it is I’m meant to be doing… My head is going around in a loop, not quite a loop, more a figure of eight!! Complete one circuit, thinking it’s over then suddenly swiped around again the opposite way!! Over and over, never ending! I would say I was going mad, if I hadn’t been feeling this way my entire life!! Can one be born mad? Clutching at straws, struggling to say the right words so as not draw attention…
I’m loosing myself… I can feel it happening, a little chip at a time! Who am I anyway? Who was I?? I don’t remember anymore, been so many things.. Which one is me?

I look at my reflection and I don’t know who she is! I can see glimpses of me… Little fleeting expressions caught unaware! Not enough to put together, not enough to understand!!

Cracks in the floor show things as they could be, should be, will never be! Mustn’t look down, don’t acknowledge the cracks, if I don’t see them, they aren’t there!!
Wake up.. Please let me wake up!! My life is passing me by, trundling along I just sit and watch! I love my children, my fiancé… I have a good life, I should be content, I should be happy, why am I so empty? What is wrong with me? Why do I suddenly feel like crying? Why am I so tired? So alone.. So pathetic!!

Damaged goods, that’s me!! Broken, repair attempted, failed….. Lost little girl, still waiting to be saved!! Time I grew up, nobody is coming… No magical cures, no mystical aid… Life is what it is! What was lost can never be replaced!
I do feel regret over two things.. Can’t go back though! Suck it up… Is not working anymore….. Crumbling! So tired of pretending..

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I’m back, suckers!!

Feeling much better about myself!! Been going through a strange black hole of contemplation, but without the acid, so wasn’t much fun!

Out the other side now and some things have become apparent. My OCD, is no longer a controlling factor.. I wouldn’t say I’ve kicked it, but I don’t have those twisty, warpy sensations over mess or clutter anymore!! I don’t know what changed, but my brain is now going along with common sense on it’s own, without any management from me!! I still have to ensure my cutlery is all straight on the table and that I’m in line of sight of all entrances, use matching colours of pegs per item on the washing line and switch the living room light on and off before I leave the house or go to bed (this was an unconscious one, pointed out to me recently!) there are a couple more, but all small, nothing life stopping!! No more freezing or tensing up over messed up cushions or the Mr trying to “help” put away the shopping…. … No constant list making of jobs to be done which never get started because I’m too panicked about getting the list perfect.. Gone… I really do think they are gone!

I feel so relaxed, so comfortable in my own home! It’s amazing..

We finally got the back garden cleared out, with the help of an amazing man! The speed at which this guy works is astounding!! He’s taken it upon himself to fix up our wee tip and transform it into an actual garden! I’m not complaining, he’s done a grand job so far! The kids can play out and we’re gonna get an actual grown up shed and flowers put in… Some wee ornaments too!! I’ll draw the line at water features though, I feel posh enough having what seems like my own wee gardener!

Just got to start on decorating the inside of the house!! One job at a time though… 🙂

Sabbatical

Been a bit off the grid.. Going through a bit of a downer, not a bad one… Just not quite running at full speed!
Not entirely sure what’s causing it, don’t actually think anything is! Can’t quite make myself do anything..
Think I’m coming out the other side, so will be boring you all with my rantings again soon… Just need to get my mojo back on course!!

Life in Song

Sirius
-The Alan Parsons Project

I have this tune as the opening on my Soundtrack playlist on Spotify! It’s not a list of movie tracks, it’s my own personal soundtrack, the music which I feel represents a small part of my past & memories!!
I imagine this tune sums up the moment right before birth.. Deep I know! 😉
That little rise in tempo, the bursts of movement… You’re not quite sure what’s going on or what’s going to happen.. But it’s all going to be alright!!

It goes onto Scarborough Fair, this of course is being a little kid.. No cares, running around in fields, life is good, but the little sad tempo near the end shows not all was perfect!!

Then Imagination– Belouis Some. I would be a very different person without my imagination, my little worlds & dreams kept me going! I could lose myself in them, while still going about my everyday life.. A part of me closed off & safe!

It goes off onto your typical moody, angry teenage songs… They all have a purpose in the list, they all describe an event or a feeling which was very real.. But no longer important!!
Vangelis, Tears in the Rain appears as a salve… An end to that period, time to take responsibility for myself, to be a victim no more… Reborn out of the flames, as they say!! Time to move on to a new life… And what a life it’s been… 🙂

Went a little crazy.. Out of control – Chemical Brothers…
Met my best friend, Susan’s House, without her I’d surely have starved on a few occasions!! We’ll be annoying old dirty grannies together, before we spend eternity scaring the shit outta teenagers!!
Had some colourful parties with eye opening effects!! The underground club scene was home… Everyone was in it together, we loved one & all… Some people maybe a little too much, damn hippies.. 🙂 I swayed & danced my little socks off… The Sunshine Underground

Scroll on a little, till I met one of the main influences on Me… Mr Exidore, how I miss you now, but back then you were on top!! Opening my eyes even wider, pushing me to accept the little evolutional fuck-up I am!! You were & still are my hero, the insane big brother I always wanted… You named me Fluffmum after my son was born and without your wheedling 11 years ago there would have been no Dr & I, no Fluffgirl at all!! You were the only person who knew me inside & out & not some facet which other people could take… You better be ripping it up big style wherever you are….. The Act Of Being Polite – The Residents…

Exidore
Exidore

Met the Dr, the Daddy as I call him on here.. My other best friend… In fact if I could squish him & Susan into one person, I’d have a superfriend!! I love him dearly though as he is… Even as infuriating as he can be… 🙂 He’s given me two beautiful & crazy little monsters to torment mankind with & he works damn hard to support us!! Don’t tell him I said so…. But I think he’s wonderful!!
Through him Fluffgirl was born, funny story that!!
The song is actually by A Band Called Quinn, who he did some filming for back in time… The singer asked me if they could use Fluffgirl as the title… I was like, why ask.. Go for it, I’ll just pretend it’s about me! 🙂

There are two Take That songs on the list… Mainly cause, I loved Starsdust, both book & film & credit where it’s due… rule the world is a good song… It represents my son, though.. Cause I think he could rule the world… The other is Shine, as that was the song which was playing on the radio as my daughter was born!! I remember thinking “no, not Take That… Switch to some Metalica.. Please!!” But she does Shine… 🙂

To proclaim my role as big mama, it’s gotta be Safe From Harm – Massive Attack… It includes all those I care about.. For though he wedged open my heart a little, they have blown it wide open…. I care now… Which may not be such a good thing, with my inner bloodlust…

When my father died, it Hurt me more than I let on… I was angry with him for so long & when we got over our issues we got on so well!! I regret not making more of an effort.. I really regret not telling him I forgave him & that I loved him… I was there in the room when he died, held his hand.. Supported my mother & sisters, but I couldn’t say those words!! I wanted to.. My mother says he knew, but I should have told him!! She says “I’m just him.. No need for pointless words, no point in getting upset over things you can’t change!! Just get on with it!!”
I would’ve hated to be likened to him in the past, but now it makes me feel strong!!

The songs go on, various happy moments.. The supposed end of the world which never happened.. The final song, though.. Has already been chosen & will stay in that spot! I will add to this soundtrack throughout my life (I hope) and listen back on it many times to remind myself where I came from…

The Finale…… Everybody’s Free To Feel Good otherwise known as Sunscreen!!

Contains Bad Words….

I swear… I swear probably more than the average person.. Not as bad as some though and I am Scottish, so it’s pretty much part of the dialect!! I do not swear round children, though I may forget when with mine, but they know not to…. It’s grown up talk you gotta earn the right to!!

I like swearing, in fact I fandubly fucking love it! Swearing, in my uncouth opinion is language evolution in process! It’s beautiful… I’m amazed by how a simple word can have such differing effects on people! How the same words can be used in so many different situations to express or provoke emotion!!
I don’t swear for the sake of it, it doesn’t riddle my every sentence, in fact I can actually express myself rather adequately without it… But sometimes you just need to call someone a cunt… Could be a stranger, a friend, the lady down the road who keeps letting her dog shit on your gateway!! It’s my favourite word, I find it rolls smoothly off the tongue with such a decisive end to it.. That “T” makes it, you must pronounce it clearly to get the full effect… I love that “T”…. The effect of this word is wonderful.. Lets be honest, most women hate it… It’s quite commonly used here in BruLand, though not one of the acceptable curse words… It can be used against a friend in a mild, jesting manner or a perfect description of someone who has really pissed you off.. You know if that word is paired with fucking in clipped tones, they mean the business… Man, I love it…

Fuck, another favoured word of mine.. Fucker, Fuckwad, Fuckface, Fucking Fucker of Fucks!! Simple, to the point… Can be toned down to feck when around minors or those with delicate sensibilities….

One of my ultimate favourites though, is a local word… It only really sounds right with the accent… Bawbag… ‘Oi you, ya fuckin bawbag’ heard frequently throughout Scotland at any time of day!! Is quite a mild word, but I love it… I usually say it to friends when they’re upset, to show I care!!

There are so many others, words which were quite risqué 50-60 years ago, now ordinary.. I can understand the power of words over others, but I don’t see it myself… And for those who say, well you’ve never been subjected to it.. Well yes, actually I have… I have been treated like shit, stomped on & come up smelling like roses!! They are words, descriptive, empty words… It is the person who uses them which gives them the meaning, the emotional intent!! If you let the words offend you, hurt you, then you are feeding this power… I will not.. I have taken back control of the words once used to humiliate & hurt me… And I fucking love the little bastards!

Enjoy the Silence.

Enjoy the silence

I love this shot! It’s just so beautiful & eerie at the same time! I wish I could take pictures as well as this.. Alas I am just a poor novice!

I do love photography though, I tend to hijack the Daddy cameras, as they’re awesome! It’s what he does, a fully fledged cameraman & editor.. The upside of this is that he is a great teacher, the downside is his first comments are usually critical.. Too much light, too dark.. Wrong settings… Framing off!! Etc etc!! I know he means it as constructive, but it would be nice if just once he would give a compliment without a downside!!

I do have loads of lucky shots as I call them… Nature has been on my side & helped me out, I also tend to get great ones of the kids.. I love catching their little moments of lone-ness.. Those moments when they think they’re all alone. They make the best pictures for me! In fact that’s what I love doing at gatherings. I prefer being the one behind the camera, catching those little moments!!

I keep meaning to learn more about the camera & how to take better shots. I will eventually get round to it, but I think I’ll get the hang of the sewing machine first & a few more crochet stitches under my belt, before moving onto something else!!
To be honest, I’m quite happy with my slightly wonky, fuzzy pics… With all the time the daddy takes getting everything perfect, he’s missed so many great shots!! I have hundreds of great pics of funny faces, action poses & tender moments!! I’m sure they’d look better as perfect shots, but I love them all as imperfect as they are!!

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Mothers Day!

Took Rowan to her first crafty fair today & she loved it!!  I think she may have a thing for buttons & beads!!  I didn’t get a massive haul, but I did spend £50 on some beautiful yarn, basically as it was part of midges name!!  She picked some fabric squares & buttons… As a special treat she got some jumping clay, a special princess pack!! 

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It was a perfect Mother’s Day, spent with my beautiful daughter among things which I love!  Colourful fabrics, yarn, buttons & beads!  i learnt that the midge loves what I do, though in a much pinker & sparkly way than I ever could!  She was interested by everything & looked so at home surrounded by all the crafty goodness!!   My son would’ve been bored outta his mind, but  that’s cool as we have our love of extreme gaming to bond over….  

 

We went to Kelvingrove Art Gallery after & she went straight to the paintings upstairs…  She prefers the French ones, I’m more into the darker medieval & religious works!  When I asked if she wanted to see my favourites in there, she jumped at the chance, so eager to discover more about me…  It’s something I’ve never had with the Spawn, he was always interested in what I could teach him & the facts I knew or could discover…. But he never really showed any interest in me, outside of my role as mother!  Don’t get me wrong, he likes to hear stories about the past and what get use to get up to… But unless I’m looking into games or comics, he doesn’t want to know!!  The midge just want to know everything, from my fav colour to what makes me happy!  I love it…