All posts by fluffmum

About fluffmum

I use to be fluffgirl, but after 10 years & the sprouting of two mini pod people, I had to finally admit.. I'm no longer a girl!! I am a mum, a gamer, a fiancé & a zombie fanatic.... plus, not far off the lunatic pick up list! I don't like about me thingies!! I'm me, the only way to know me is to... Well.. Know me!! A paragraph ain't gonna cut the mustard.. Though you should be warned... I love profanity, insanity & beastality... Hehe only kidding, ran out of 'ity' words!!

Get right back on…

via Daily Prompt: Avid

 

We got our youngest a new bike.  Lovely little purple thing with flowers on it…  Her kind of thing, found a bell we’d bought ages ago of a little ladybird and plan on decking it out with handlebar streamers & a wee basket at the front.  Also discovered she’s finally grown and her old toddler helmet is finally too wee for her!  So that’s on the list too..

She didn’t go on her old bike very much as she had an incident when she was just starting off and ran over the cats tail.  The cat promptly went full honey badger and did some crazy back bending to bite the wheel!  Like right through it to the inner, that was a job to patch up!  This bumped her confidence a lot and she was too scared to go on it for a while afterwards.

So fast forward to yesterday…. Got it all made up for her the night before, stabilisers on, height ready!  We decide to take it out for a ride.  Started heading to the station, the plan was a wee ride to start her off.

(Turns out the stabilisers were on the wrong place and kept knocking out of position if she hit a bump or kerb.  She was not deterred though & I had a wee multi-tool with me to keep tightening it up when needed.)

We get to the station, to discover the train had been cancelled due to signal faults and being the 2nd last station on line and a Sunday.  I didn’t hold out much hope for a train coming soon.

Soooo, change of plan…  We were both pretty peckish, so decide to ride to the wee cafe we like in the Vale to get some brekkie/lunch!  We don’t do brunch, that’s fer flouncy folk.  Anyway, she ride the whole way there.. I’m super impressed by this, since it is really her first time on a bike doing all the work herself and managing to turn the pedals, which with her tiny legs was a bit of a problem on the old bike!

She gets her roll & sausage and manages her toast too, which is a feat in itself due to her minuscule stomach.  Then we decide to keep going, all the way to the park.  She does it too, then round the park and a jump around play too…

By now it’s almost time for dinner, so we head off up the road towards Balloch!  Trying to decide between McDonalds or the Queen for our nosh…  McD’s looks mobbed and full of people, which sends us onwards to the Queen of the Loch, for some well cooked proper food!

We meet some friends, she has another run about in the outdoor play area and then…. Then the littlest tyke continues to ride her bike back down to the station to get the train (which are running again) back to the Vale, where Daddy picks us up and gives the wee one a lift home!!

She is now an avid cyclist!  I’m so proud of the wee yin, especially since her stabiliser kept giving out on her and she would loose her balance.  She fell once, which did happen to be while we were crossing the road at some lights!  But no one beeped, they waited patiently till I got her up and moved to the pavement.  She was a wee bit upset, but she got right back on!

A whole day cycling on her first go!! Three mile trip…

I’m uber impressed with the wee sod.

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Not a chance…

imagevia Daily Prompt: Unravel

Apart from being one of the cutest games I played last year, what else would the word unravel mean to me?

I suppose if I wanted to sound Emo, I’d go on about how my life was so difficult and I was hovering on the brink of utter breakdown.  However, though I may at times go through tough patches mentally. I don’t really ever feel like I’m totally falling apart.  I guess I kinda always assume things will work out…  A small part of me might feel like everything is unraveling, but the majority rules and tells it to shut the fuck up!  I can’t and won’t allow myself to break!  I don’t think I will anyway!  Sure, I have black periods, times when I can’t deal with life and it starts getting to me.  But, I have two emotionally secure & happy kids.  I won’t damage them with my issues, I know a big part of my damage comes from my parents and my shitty childhood.  Same as their fucked up parents messed them up.  The cycle stops with me…

I’m honest with my kids, they know I’m not like other mums.  That I sometimes need to be left alone & not be touched.  They understand that if they leave me for a little while, then I’ll be back again.  I don’t mean I leave or abandon them.  I’m still here, making food, cleaning house, doing homework, all the day to day mum stuff.  They know that my inability to be touchy feely does not mean I don’t love them. It just means that contact can be hard for me.  They are the cuddliest kids I ever met, and they have helped me overcome some intimacy shite I had.  I’ve realised that their company is different from others.  The midge for instance will just sit beside me and put her hand on my head or snuggle in to cuddle my arm & I love it.  The boy will randomly come up to hug me when we pass each other.  They have become my anchors.

So I don’t think I will unravel, because I have them.

Share Your World

Since I’ve been away for a while, I’m kinda uninspired on what to write about.  So I reckon some challenges will get the creative juices flowing….

To start with, Cee’s SYW questions…

Have you ever participated in a distance walking, swimming, running, or biking event? Tell your story.   Five years ago I took part in the Race for Life 5K event with my then 4 year old son dressed as Batman!  We pretty much walked it & managed it in an hour, which wasn’t so bad considering I had him on my back for most of it… Then three years ago, I did it again with my daughter who was 3 at the time.  She was kitted out with a tutu, fairy wings, sparkly boppers and the most colourful stripy tights I’ve ever seen!! We managed it in 40 mins that time, she weighs considerably less than her brother and likes to walk.  It was nice to take part in something for a good cause, but it just reaffirmed my dislike of being around large crowds of people.

Name one thing not many people know about you.  Even though I’ve been more upfront about my Aspergers over the last couple years, most people still do not know  about it.  Most of those who do know about it, don’t realise I was diagnosed when I was pregnant with my son over ten years ago.  They think it’s a fairly recent thing, since I’ve only started being honest about it.  At first I hid it, then for a couple years I dropped hints that I might be or was considering getting tested, to gauge responses & see who might support or dismiss me.  Then I just started admitting it, because I was tired of pretending.  It’s exhausting dealing with people & social situations, I think I’ve reached the age where I just don’t give a fuck if it bothers anyone..

What is your favorite flower?  I don’t actually have a favourite flower.  I suppose if I had to narrow it down…. Moonflowers, Morning Glory & any type of Blossom.

Things I want to have in my home (paintings, hot tubs, book cases, big screen tv etc)  I don’t actually want any particular things.  What I would love is to be able to fix up our home to the condition it deserves to be in.  We bought our house just over three years ago. It’s roughly about 120/30 years old and we bought it from an elderly lady in her eighties.  Nothing had been done to it for at least ten years, so we got it at a good price.  We just didn’t realise exactly how much work was going to be required to bring it back!!  We’re pretty sure it still has the original slate tiles and the decor is like the Tardis, a different decade in every room!  It’s a beautiful house, I just wish we had the money to put into all the repairs and renovations it really needs!

Optional Bonus question: What are you grateful for from last week, and what are you looking forward to in the week coming up?  The schools here started their Spring Holidays last week, so I’ve been able to hang with my kids and laze about or head out on adventures whenever we fancy.  This coming week is the last week of holiday so I get to spend more time with them..  Thanks to my family taking them separately, I also got to spend some one on one time with each of them!  I’m always grateful for that…

Why!

I discovered this evening that a friend of mine passed away today!  We weren’t buxom buddies, saw each other rarely in group settings!  She was a friend of friends & though they always made me feel welcome & part of the group I alway felt I was floating about the edges!  Not really one of them, but that was never their intention or doing!  I had kids and moved away from the area, my social ability is pretty non-existent!  They are all so close, have such strong bonds with each other, care for each other so deeply, I can only imagine how they must be feeling…  I loved to just sit and watch them interact, the comfortable way in which they would just have fun!  I envied their ability to express themselves, the strength inside each and everyone of them.  Most especially her, she was crazy, but absolutely amazing!  I don’t say that on a nostalgic speak well of the dead kinda way.  She really was & the life she had, though woefully short was full!  She wasted none of it…

I don’t understand why it hurts so much.  I don’t cry, yet I haven’t been able to stop!  There is this lump and it won’t go away!  Do I even have a right to feel like this?  Whenever we did see each other, we always had a laugh, got on well…  But, we were not considered close!  I don’t understand what I should do, why am I crying?

Why

Sorry my arse!

Daily Post: Apology!

Sorry!

It’s not a very forthcoming word is it?  Sorry…

Unless someone bumps into you on the street and you say sorry for some bizarre reason, then it comes out all on its own, no problem at all!

Why is it so hard to say for some people.  Obviously no one likes to admit they were wrong, for some they simply don’t care!  Then there are the people who just apologise all the time, even when they have done nothing wrong!!  I don’t get that either…

Myself, I’m a sorry if I’m caught out kinda girl!  Though sometimes I have been known to do it without provocation!  I don’t hear it very often though!

Personally towards me, I don’t recall it ever being a common word!  No one ever apologised for my childhood being the way it was.  According to my mother, that’s just the way it was back then!!!  🤕

I’ve been assaulted mentally, physically and sexually, yet never heard a sorry about that either…  I must have done something to provoke it!  🙄

Never hear an apology about hurtful comments, I’m just being overly sensitive…. Though how can that be, when previously I was being called insensitive.  🤔

Now to be honest, apart from teaching my children manners, I don’t really care about apologies!  It’s an empty word to me, one pulled out to appease a situation, to make one person feel better about being a dick & the other think everything is really okay!

So I don’t need apologies, I’ve done very well in my life without them!  So if anyone from my past shows up feeling some modicum of guilt, then they can take that pish poor sorry and ram it right up ’em….

 

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “No Cliffhangers.”

Soooo, for the last three months, I’ve had my brother-in-law to stay!  He came to recover from the utter cock up of his life so far and being the wonderful person I am, didn’t say no to him staying with us!!

I suppose he’s not that bad, don’t get me wrong, he’s a total dickwad, but he has his good points!  I just fail to see many of them…  Since he arrived, he has helped himself to the kids treats, nicked two bottles of expensive booze, constantly used up all the bread (when he knows I have to make pack lunches in the morning), leaves a massive mess in the kitchen, never washed a dish, starts to cook things on hob, then walks off to do something else (I have two young kids in house) knifes right at edge of the counters, used his brother as a free taxi ride, several times he staggered in pished as a fart, while my children were in the house!  Started a fight with his brother, starts yelling at either himself or someone on the phone in the middle of the night (I actually lost it with him couple nights ago, he was threatened with the shed and my foot in his face), invited himself along to a personal family dinner on my birthday… ( I did not want him there, my birthday!!)

Made constant digs to me about going to work and exercise!  (Not that I need to explain myself, but I haven’t worked since I was pregnant with my son, eight years ago!  My partner made enough that we could afford for me to stay at home with our children, which was what we both wanted.  Now my daughter has started school, I’m looking for work again, but it’s bloody hard when you’ve been out the game for so long!  My skill set is obsolete and when you add in my Aspergers, it makes things a little more complicated! This is not an excuse, I am searching & applying for jobs constantly!  I just don’t need Mr Fuck-Up judging me for sitting down to have a coffee and play a game at lunchtime, after being up since 6am and doing the school run and housework!).

I actually fucking hate him, I really do!  I hate hating people, but he’s a douche canoe…  I’ve been avoiding going home after dropping the kids at school, just so I don’t have to speak to him.  He has absolutely no respect or consideration for anyone!  He never apologises for anything, even when he knows he’s been a dick!  He can’t close a fucking door, though I think that may be a family trait, both his brother and my son have the same problem!!  Like today, I come home, front door is locked as both dickwad and my guy had gone out,  but I discover the backdoor has been left wide open!  Sure come on in, we won’t mind if you nick our stuff!!!

Despite all this though, the prick is a great, if rather annoying uncle!  Kids love him to bits, even when ranting about his being a pain and stealing all their food, plus commandeering the iPad and Xbox so they can’t get on them!

They were sad to see him leave this afternoon, though admitted to me quietly afterwards that they were also quite happy about him going!

Yes, that’s right… He’s gone, on a plane, fucked right off out of my range of concern! Well, for another three months, then he said he’d be back…. But I may have rented out our spare room by then!  For now though, my house is my own again.  I am comfortable, happy and relaxed, because for the next few months I’ll sleep well knowing everything is awesome and all was well with the world.

In response to The Daily Post’s weekly photo challenge: “Monochromatic.”

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I love this picture, I took it in our local aquarium.  It’s a small sea life centre at Loch Lomond Shores and I’ve been going since we moved out this way over seven years ago!  My son had just turned one and we would go in and sit under the big glass wall where the trout were kept!  The light and shadows, the movement of the fish would help him fall asleep and I would head up to the cafe for a hot chocolate and an amazing view to chill for a while!  Of course going almost everyday would be uber extortionate, so I would get the yearly pass!

Once he started nursery he got his own pass too and we’d head up once he got out!  I was pretty pregnant at this point, so the bus rides were a joy!  Then once his sister was born, we’d head up and he could play in the cafe soft play, while I got got some essential coffee and she would sleep!

She has grown to love going there as much as we do..  Once Darwyn started school and she was in nursery, we would jump on the bus soon as she got out and head up for lunch, a play and to see the fishes!

Now Rowan has started school and we are only able to go up at weekends now, but we still love it and try to get through as we can!  It’s such a great part of their early childhood and played an important role in their introduction to learning… They both learnt to count with the fishes, memorising facts about the different species and the ability to keep spending within a budget  and the meaning of the word NO (the gift shop was conveniently on the way out!)

I only hope we can still have a few more years before we hit the mums not cool to hang with stage…

Pwetty pwincess…

Am taking my sewing up a notch and attempting a dress for the midge! Not just any dress, a full on princess, girly one!! Though how girly has yet to be decided! It basically comes down to how well I managed to handle the tulle..

I got this so far…

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I’m basically just winging it… Cutting & pinning when (what I hope is) logic tells me too! That’s just the basic bodice, sleeves & plain underskirt! Tomorrow I hope to sew those parts together, make decent hems & edges, then turn it right way out & not have it fall apart… If that all goes to plan, I’ll move onto the trimmings…

It may not be the most organised way of doing it, but at least I took measurements & am working from a pattern of sorts… Wanna see it…?

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Snazzy huh…!!

I hope I don’t screw it up, cause she’s really looking forward to wearing it for a Halloween party!!

Plus I got loads of crochet stuff to get done too! Walking round Asda last night and I got orders for the Princess Hats! Couple things to do for a raffle, but hopefully, if i I get this dress done by Friday, Saturday at latest, I can concentrate on crochet all next week before the party on the the 2nd…

Busy busy busy!!!

Failure

Failing….? Am I failing?

What does it mean to fail? What am I failing at?

I don’t know!! I don’t even understand what it is I’m meant to be doing… My head is going around in a loop, not quite a loop, more a figure of eight!! Complete one circuit, thinking it’s over then suddenly swiped around again the opposite way!! Over and over, never ending! I would say I was going mad, if I hadn’t been feeling this way my entire life!! Can one be born mad? Clutching at straws, struggling to say the right words so as not draw attention…
I’m loosing myself… I can feel it happening, a little chip at a time! Who am I anyway? Who was I?? I don’t remember anymore, been so many things.. Which one is me?

I look at my reflection and I don’t know who she is! I can see glimpses of me… Little fleeting expressions caught unaware! Not enough to put together, not enough to understand!!

Cracks in the floor show things as they could be, should be, will never be! Mustn’t look down, don’t acknowledge the cracks, if I don’t see them, they aren’t there!!
Wake up.. Please let me wake up!! My life is passing me by, trundling along I just sit and watch! I love my children, my fiancé… I have a good life, I should be content, I should be happy, why am I so empty? What is wrong with me? Why do I suddenly feel like crying? Why am I so tired? So alone.. So pathetic!!

Damaged goods, that’s me!! Broken, repair attempted, failed….. Lost little girl, still waiting to be saved!! Time I grew up, nobody is coming… No magical cures, no mystical aid… Life is what it is! What was lost can never be replaced!
I do feel regret over two things.. Can’t go back though! Suck it up… Is not working anymore….. Crumbling! So tired of pretending..

I’m back, suckers!!

Feeling much better about myself!! Been going through a strange black hole of contemplation, but without the acid, so wasn’t much fun!

Out the other side now and some things have become apparent. My OCD, is no longer a controlling factor.. I wouldn’t say I’ve kicked it, but I don’t have those twisty, warpy sensations over mess or clutter anymore!! I don’t know what changed, but my brain is now going along with common sense on it’s own, without any management from me!! I still have to ensure my cutlery is all straight on the table and that I’m in line of sight of all entrances, use matching colours of pegs per item on the washing line and switch the living room light on and off before I leave the house or go to bed (this was an unconscious one, pointed out to me recently!) there are a couple more, but all small, nothing life stopping!! No more freezing or tensing up over messed up cushions or the Mr trying to “help” put away the shopping…. … No constant list making of jobs to be done which never get started because I’m too panicked about getting the list perfect.. Gone… I really do think they are gone!

I feel so relaxed, so comfortable in my own home! It’s amazing..

We finally got the back garden cleared out, with the help of an amazing man! The speed at which this guy works is astounding!! He’s taken it upon himself to fix up our wee tip and transform it into an actual garden! I’m not complaining, he’s done a grand job so far! The kids can play out and we’re gonna get an actual grown up shed and flowers put in… Some wee ornaments too!! I’ll draw the line at water features though, I feel posh enough having what seems like my own wee gardener!

Just got to start on decorating the inside of the house!! One job at a time though… 🙂