Failure

Failing….? Am I failing?

What does it mean to fail? What am I failing at?

I don’t know!! I don’t even understand what it is I’m meant to be doing… My head is going around in a loop, not quite a loop, more a figure of eight!! Complete one circuit, thinking it’s over then suddenly swiped around again the opposite way!! Over and over, never ending! I would say I was going mad, if I hadn’t been feeling this way my entire life!! Can one be born mad? Clutching at straws, struggling to say the right words so as not draw attention…
I’m loosing myself… I can feel it happening, a little chip at a time! Who am I anyway? Who was I?? I don’t remember anymore, been so many things.. Which one is me?

I look at my reflection and I don’t know who she is! I can see glimpses of me… Little fleeting expressions caught unaware! Not enough to put together, not enough to understand!!

Cracks in the floor show things as they could be, should be, will never be! Mustn’t look down, don’t acknowledge the cracks, if I don’t see them, they aren’t there!!
Wake up.. Please let me wake up!! My life is passing me by, trundling along I just sit and watch! I love my children, my fiancé… I have a good life, I should be content, I should be happy, why am I so empty? What is wrong with me? Why do I suddenly feel like crying? Why am I so tired? So alone.. So pathetic!!

Damaged goods, that’s me!! Broken, repair attempted, failed….. Lost little girl, still waiting to be saved!! Time I grew up, nobody is coming… No magical cures, no mystical aid… Life is what it is! What was lost can never be replaced!
I do feel regret over two things.. Can’t go back though! Suck it up… Is not working anymore….. Crumbling! So tired of pretending..

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