Round & round the fluff brain….

I can’t sleep… Am wide awake & know that my darling little freaks will have me up at stoopid o’clock in the morning!! The thing with insomnia though, is that your mind takes over.. It likes to go over your day, things of the past, random encounters, alternative paths! No one is posting on fudbook now & I don’t want to put on a film or read my book as it’ll just spur me on to staying awake.. I get too absorbed in stories… So I’m lying in bed mulling over my weekend…

It started & finished rather well…
Yesterday I took part in the Glasgow protest against the Bedroom Tax… It felt amazing to be surrounded by so many people willing to stand up & fight against something which is just plain evil! I had someone ask me during the week… “But why bother, you don’t get benefit, it doesn’t affect you!!” That’s totally missing the point… No it doesn’t affect me, but I know those it does… I know it’s wrong, I know it’s an attack on the poor & disabled in this country, I know things have to change or it will only get worse…. …. .. until it does eventually affect me!! I don’t want to be one of those people with my head in the sand, pretending everything is rosy…
Needless to say, I was proud to walk with the people there…

I had a lovely night out with a new friend… No nerves present and strangely no preliminary bathroom check!! I had no need to check for exits in the pub, also sat with my back to the door for a bit!! I don’t know if it was to do with the place or the company or even the booze, but I felt totally comfortable.. I didn’t even realise I’d neglected my routine, till this afternoon!
I’ve noticed for a while now that some compulsions are waning, a couple have even gone & surprisingly haven’t been replaced by others!! There has been no transfer… My cleaning obsession has almost receded into a normal desire for tidiness, I’m still made uncomfortable by mess & it makes me jumpy & nervous… But the actual need to clean, to scrub down the surfaces or pull out the couch to hoover it, has pretty much dwindled!! I think I could go on a cleaning spree now, without the risk of forgoing everything else… I think I could remember to stop…

I.. ….. I …. A friend put up a post up earlier today asking what we would do if we could go back in time to see ourselves, what would we change? I did a Daily Prompt post on that very topic a while ago & stated I wouldn’t change a thing.. I am who I am through my past mistakes & sorrows!! No regrets!!
This friend & I have a history, we were young, stupid & all those flashback narrative scripts… We were close, I did care for him, though not as much as he likely did for me.. I don’t say that to be big headed or suchlike… I’m not very emotional or open.. I was even less so back then… He eventually messed around & I felt nothing!! We likely shouldn’t have lasted as long as we did… Something happened which kinda messed us both up, we fell apart, too hurt to deal with it or each other… It took me a long time to pull myself back together, to forgive myself and him!!
I have, though the only real regret I have is not being there for him emotionally, but I suppose I wasn’t even there for myself..
He is & was to an extent a great guy, a right royal pain in the arse, but a truly kind man! He always made me laugh, which was a difficult task in those days.. I now count him as one of my good friends, even though years can go by without seeing him.. His sister is my other best friend, so I always hear how he is doing and though we weren’t meant to be together, he has always had a special place, from the very first moment when he kissed my hand…
But back to my original ramble, his Facebook post.. I replied to it “I wouldn’t change a thing, but if I could go back in time, I would give myself a hug!”
I really should have included him too!!

My eyes feel a little heavier now, perhaps I’ve expressed some knots!! Time to try some sleep, before the midge wakes for her early morning demands of a bed change!! Should really stretch out to enjoy the whole bed, before dawn and the usual mass flit, which leaves me shivering on the edge… 🙂

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