Monthly Archives: March 2013

Itchy fingers

Does a messy home (or office) make you anxious and cranky, or is cleaning something you just do before company comes over?

I’ve already mentioned in a previous post about by relationship with cleaning… Mess does make me anxious, I can’t be totally comfortable in it… I sit and stare at it out the corner of my eye wishing it away, my little twitch going in my hands, fingers doing their little frantic dance…. I’m surprised I have any inside left on my cheek, I chew it so much!!

I’m doing it now at this moment… Typing on here to distract me…. The eggs from the Nana lying all over the table, wrappers on the floor, princess Duplo scattered all over the place… Swords & jammies left on the couch and the cushions… Oh my cushions…. All bunched up on one side, two on the floor… Juice cup on the footstool, manky boy socks beside it… No idea where they came from!!
I went on a crazy clean spree yesterday, before I went out for the night.. So I wouldn’t have to wake up to mess… But the daddy let me sleep for a change & got up with the kids for me.. Which is lovely, but it meant I didn’t have my nice ordered living-room to walk in too…

It’s really not that bad, nothing a little half hour wouldn’t fix… I could get up and do it, make everything all ordered and in those little lines that I need… But the spawn is snuggled in beside me, playing his game… He asked me to not clean and spend the time with him instead.. Is no competition, I know my OCD makes me think I need those things, that it’s all in my head, irrational!! There are times I can’t fight it, but when I’m with my kids, I know that that my love for them is real and absolute! That nothing else matters, my only compulsion is to show them that they are more important to me than whether my bloody cushions are straight!!

So I wait, we will sit here and I will show him how to do head shots, another quirk of mine… Then when he is in his bed, this houses ass is mine!!

Dry spot

We cry for lots of reasons: sadness, pain, fear . . . and happiness. When was the last time you shed tears of joy?

It’s fairly safe to say, I don’t tear up!! Not anymore, I use to be a walking raincloud, wouldn’t take much to start me weeping like a right sob story!! I think I wrung myself out, the Mr has seen me cry 3 times in 11 years.. My best friend has seen me well up once in the last 15 years… I think i actually broke back when I was 19, it was the final emotional straw, whatever had kept me attached emotionally, whatever helped me to feel was cut… I had nothing to give after that…

So for 10 years, I was emotionally cut off, a cold excuse for a person… I fully admit it, I cared for no one.. Only three people ever actually got me to open up to them & I love them for it, despite all their infuriating habits… 🙂 Then I had my son and daughter! It was like a dam broke, I had something so precious in my arms, something I would actually die for… I switched back on.. I wouldn’t say I’m a well of cuddly hearts & kisses!! I’ve never been able to understand other people’s feelings or why they get upset… I can pretend quite well, but I can’t sympathise, not really!! Unless I actually care for the person, then I just feel guilty for not being able to give them the hug they need or the consoling words to make them feel better!!

My children make me almost cry, almost on a weekly basis…. Mainly of joy… I look at them achieve something or even just playing and I can actually feel my heart cracking… I’m such a pussy, these days.. Lol..

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Judge-Mental

If you were to judge your favorite book by its cover, would you still read it?

Hmmm, I have a few favourite books….. Ones I’ve read so often they don’t have their covers anymore!

The one I immediately think of is Job, A Comedy of Justice by Robert A.Heinlein… I first read it when I was about 11, found it in my dads room & swiped it thinking it was a dirty book…. I was extremely curious back then & even though there were no naked women on the cover, I figured the goods might be hidden inside…

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If I was to look at the cover now, I would probably skip by it!! I tend to avoid anything which appears remotely religious… Back then though, I wasn’t particularly bothered by it, I had no idea who the author was either, so it was a completely ignorant discovery!! An amazing one at that too…. It stuck with me, I did my RPR on it in Higher English… Read it so many times I’m surprised it’s still in one piece!! I think it may need retired soon though, I noticed at my last reading a few years ago, that the spine had kappooted & pages were coming loose….

Another favourite is The Stand, by Stephen King…. It hardly needs an introduction does it?

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I think I would have read this even if it had pink bunnies on the cover!! An apocalyptic nightmare by Stephen King… Sign me up!!

Is funny though, I do usually judge a book by it’s cover, in the literary sense…. When in a book store or library, I will head straight to the sci-fi, fantasy, horror section & run my hands over the books, not touching, just hovering… Going down the shelf, until I see a title which catches my eye or an author I remember (which is unusual for me) or even just a little tingle in my fingers… A story reaching out to grab me!! My routine is always the same… Well what else would it be, us OCD’ers are nothing if not consistent…. 🙂 First I run my index finger down the spine, let the title sink in a little… Does it speak to me? Then I put two fingers (index & middle)on the top & slowly pull it out, top first until it’s halfway… Then I slide the whole lot out, I always read the back first, the cover left till last… If I’m intrigued by the story, I might open 7 pages in & read halfway down… I don’t know why, that just seems to be a good spot for me!! Then, I turn the book to the front….. I see the cover, the layout, colours, the image!!! It’s not a specific thing I’m looking for, I’ve picked a whole horde of conflicting designs over the years… It just has to have that something which makes a little bulb go off in my head….

It’s not always the deciding factor, sometime a cover is dreadful, yet the plot or a character has caught me… I have a need for books.. An addiction for a tale…. If it’s part of a series, I must have them all, I need to finish them!!

Power of the Mind

Have you ever truly felt déjà vu, the sensation that you’ve already had the experience you’re currently having?

This is something I actually truly believe in… Ever since I was a kid, I’ve had moments of Deja-vu… Though it was never anything I’d done before, it was always something I’d dreamt… I would have such realistic dreams & then a few months down the line I would be living that dream!! Something would happen or more likely someone would say something which would trigger my memory of it… Then I would know what someone was going to say or what was going to happen next….

I’m not saying I’m psychic or precog… I don’t actually know what I’m saying… But I believe that there are times when people are in sync with the energies of the universe.. At these times I think it’s possible you could tap into this energy & it could in turn provide unusual gifts, such as seeing something before it happens or feeling what someone else is feeling… Even being able to leave your body & travel elsewhere… I think you can think yourself well, I know I can put my kidney infection pain aside & make my migraines smaller!! I’ve got the flu twice in my life & I believe it’s mainly to do with my belief that I won’t get sick!! So I don’t… My joints are harder, I can make the pain lessen, but can’t make them move properly…

I guess we still know so little about the human brain & the universe at all, that there are so many things we couldn’t possibly understand & are perhaps not meant too.. Perhaps in the same way we meter out information to our children dependent on their age, the universe does the same to us… We are after all a very young species on a baby planet!! Still at the tantrum stage of destroying all our toys… Perhaps when we grow up a little & can behave a little maturer, we will be taught a little more!

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Sweet dreams…

What does your ideal community look like? How is it organized, and how is community life structured? What values does the community share?

I would be hopeless at planning a community! I think everyone should be free to live however they wish, but I do understand the need for rules & structure, but I hate authority….

My perfect community would have no need for money, there would be a barter system for services… Everyone would be provided with a home, suited to their requirements!! Food would be available to all, so no one would go hungry!!

There would be no bankers or big companies trying to take over, everyone would work for each other, for the community!! There would be no greed, everyone would have what they need..

Is a nice dream & perhaps one day we’ll have our little star trekking utopia!! Fingers crossed…

Wouldn’t it be great if instead of people wondering what they could get outta doing something, they would see a person needing help or something & offer their services or aid freely..

Crafty Gamer..

What activity, task, or game most brings out your competitive streak?

I’m not by nature a competitive person… Though, I can now & again be driven by a desire to outdo certain people!!

When it was world book day & all the kids were to dress up like their favourite character, the spawn picked Barry the Fish with Fingers… Not the kind of thing you’d find in the local shop.. But I’d just got a sewing machine, so figured hell yeah, I’ll make you one!! First time it’d been used since Xmas when I got it… I was driven by a need to outdo all the store bought costumes.. All the superheroes & princesses… I worked constantly on it for two whole days… Needless to say, it was the two days before he was to wear it, so haste was of the essence!! The lines are a bit wonky & the thread don’t match the fabric… But I’m fecking proud of it!! The head mistress told him, it was the best one in the whole school!! I don’t know about that as one of the kids was Mr Twit with proper crocheted beard & was awesome…

I don’t take compliments well though, I sometimes feel like they are nothing more than polite phrases thrown at you & as such aren’t really meant… I know there are people who actually mean them, but I still can’t quite understand that they would praise me in such a way! When I get compliments on my crochet or baking, I tend to point out the faults with it…. Except with my Barry costume & the duvet for midges bed, as I was actually really chuffed with how well I’d done… So when people said they was great, I was like… Yeah, I know!! Which kinda made me sound big headed, but it was actual genuine pride…

When staying at my mums, I would go onto my sisters wii, to top all her scores on the wii fit games… I suppose that was quite competitive, or just plain annoying in her opinion!! I’m the same with some of the games on the iPad or phone, that the Mr & I would both play!! I’d be driven to beat his score… So I think I am quite competitive, but seriously lacking in drive to do anything about it, though I do have on some level a need for admiration…
I’m quite happy to let other people win or surpass me, in order to keep the peace!!

But my Barry was fecking amazing!!

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Bookworm

What was your favorite book as a child? Did it influence the person you are now?

I wasn’t a social child, as you can probably guess… So spent much of my time wrapped up in a book or several!! I loved them, lived them in some case, getting so caught up in the story!! Most childhood photos of me have me holding a book in some way!!

I loved the Narnia Series & the Magic Faraway Tree.. Anything by Ronald Dahl.. Loved the classics, even the girly ones!! Emma, Wuthering Heights, Frankenstein, Dracula.. The list goes on!!

I guess they all influenced me in someway!! Taught me to believe in myself, to always keep trying & that the happy ending is there if you just keep reading!!

They gave me a thirst for knowledge & an ideal of how life could be…. Perhaps not quite the life I wanted for myself, but still everyone needs a starting point!!

One lump or two….

Do parties and crowds fill you with energy, or send you scurrying for peace and quiet?

Depends on the party!! I hate crowds… I have slight agoraphobia, I can handle clubs & places if I know where all the exits & toilet windows are! My OCD kicks in whenever I enter a new place… Must find all ways out and possible emergency exits like skylights, large vents..etc… I can’t have my back to the door, must be able to see it in some way! Mirrors are acceptable… You just never know when the pesky zombies might actually show up!!

I don’t like to be touched much either, I could handle it in my clubbing days as I was usually out my face & I knew pretty much everyone in the club or outdoor party.. I trusted these people & knew they had my back!! Plus acid was great for me, had the unusual effect of nullifying my crazy bits… I didn’t care about rolling in muck, or rubbing elbows with sweaty Betty’s & gurning Gordon’s… I could handle small places, cause I was small too… I wasn’t very talkative though, I couldn’t relate to people no matter what state I was in.. I could dance with you, listen to you rant on for hours.. but please don’t expect me to talk, I don’t want to talk to people..
The outdoor parties were the best, I’d disappear in the woods or fields for ages, quite possibly talking to a tree stump, thinking it was a fairy… Oh but what great advice that stump had for me!!:)

If just drinking or not as the case often was, I’d be found sitting at the back of the club, just watching what was going on, enjoying the reality show of life…. The crazy & beautiful twirls of madness on the dance floor, couples in love, breaking up & professing undying love in the space of two hours!! Watching the groupies trying to hit on the Daddy, as he was a DJ back then!! It was fun… I loved to watch!! But no talking, please don’t talk to me!! You’ll think I’m rude or stuck up myself… I can live with that, I don’t mind what you think of me, but please leave me to listen to the music in peace!!

I’m more sociable now, in that I can go to a party & talk to people… I use to find a room to hide in or escape for a while… head outside for a walk or just sit on a step… Anything to avoid actual social contact with others. I actually look forward to gatherings these days.. But I think it’s the people who make it pleasurable for me!!

I have a party this weekend & usually I’d be dreading it.. Not because of anything to do with anyone, just the act of preparation.. I’ve discovered with age, that the correct outfit is paramount to creating perfect evening!! 😉 I hate shopping, despise it… Then there is the prospect of travelling to the party… Is it worth it & nine times out of ten I would talk myself out of going!!
Not anymore! I’m excited about this party as I have been the last few!! I was shopping today, leisurely strolling through Glasgow, minus the midgets.. Just buying for me… Is strange, my impulse is to provide for my sprogs, not treat myself.. Getting a dress for the weekend, I enjoyed today!! I found the perfect dress & got a couple new games & books…
I’m looking forward to getting to the party & seeing everyone! I can talk to these women, which is strange in itself as I usually never click with other women!! I don’t fidget with them, though my eye contact leaves something to be desired, but I’m working on it!! I’m actually quite sociable when I’m comfortable… It’s weird that suddenly all these women have come into my life together & made me feel so welcome.. It’s sometimes a little overwhelming, but not in a bad way… I just get so happy about it… I thank my lucky stars I know them now, because I discovered I was actually really lonely… I only noticed, when it was no longer there!!

So some parties & crowds are absolutely wonderful & I cling onto them dearly!!

Fishy felines…

Do you have animals in your life? If yes, what do they mean to you? If no, why have you opted not to?

I have always had animals in my life, couldn’t imagine not having some form of furry, fluffy beast beside me! My parents use to breed Rough Collies when I was a baby, I would get put in the basket with all the pups & woe behold anyone who tried to sneak up on my pram!

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You can’t really tell with the hideous 70’s carpet, but there is a mass of pups at the bottom of the picture!

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Yup, that’s baby me, weren’t I tiny!! The dog was called Lady and she was all mine… Registered in my name the day after I was born!! 🙂

I’ve had many pets since then, dogs & cats… Many of them feral little buggers, I love those ones!!
For the last 9 years we’ve had Wee Dude… A grumpy auld bastard of a cat!! I don’t actually have a picture of him, was sure there was some on Fudbook, but can’t find them!!

This is Neko-hime, which is basically Japanese for Cat princess…

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She’s the fluffiest little princess ever! She’s so dainty & when she moves, it’s like she’s floating.. But don’t be fooled by her ickleness!! She’s the deadliest hunter I’ve ever had living with me!! She’s either half Maine or Norwegian Forest… I can never quite remember…. I swear the other half is Chuck Norris!!

They’ve both been in the bad books recently… Last 3 years, as they have been very naughty & taken to using anything & everything in the house as their own private toilet!! But Neko has come out of it & is now allowed back in with us & all the comfy comforts that’s entails!!

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Wee Dude is still being a shite & is not allowed past the kitchen..

Two & a half years ago we included fish to our animal kingdom… After various learning cure disastrous & an accidental poisoning, we currently have three fish.. Two common Plecs & an unknown… Daddy went to fish shop on his own!!!
The only original survivor from the beginning is Namazu.. Which is Japanese for Catfish… He use to be this small.

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Then he got bigger… Much bigger…

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Then we got Namzu, which doesn’t mean anything as far as i

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We’re getting a bigger tank for them, as Namazu has been getting more aggressive & territorial… But I actually do love them, which I never thought possible about fish!!

I couldn’t imagine my life without an animal in it.. Who else would I talk to…?